"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair." - Hillary Clinton
As you all know, I had my first round of chemo just shy of two weeks ago, and my next treatment is this coming Friday. But, I'm actually looking toward a different D-Day... hair dropping day. It's coming, y'all - and soon. But, we don't actually know when.
Before you say anything else, yes, it is entirely possible for some people to keep their hair through chemotherapy treatments. And, yes, there are some home remedies (e.g., a cold cap) that purport to help women lose less hair or none.
Even so, I know I am going to lose my hair.
I want to state that very directly for a few reasons. First, I do not intend to wear an icy cap for chemo treatment days. Chemo is tough enough to take without adding another component. I liked the cozy feel of my first appointment, and I'm going to enjoy the same in future ones. I have 15 more chemo appointments over the next four-plus months during which I'd prefer to be warm and comfortable. There is not evidence the cold cap works frequently enough to make a commitment to it worth the pain. Second, all three of the chemo drugs I'm taking over the course of 20 weeks have hair loss as a pretty-much-everyone-experiences-this side effect. So. Resistance seems futile.
And, third: It's good for me. Seriously, I've been a hair perfectionist all of my life, and it's time to let that go - if only for the next year or so. I have had hair - usually on the mid-length to longish side - for as long as I can remember. In fact, my hair has come past my ears since I was a toddler. Don't believe me?
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| A retrospective look at my many hair styles |
Obviously, as I reflect on how much my hair is part of my identity, I recognize that my sense of self has shifted visibly as things internally have changed about me - playful in pigtails, fancy with feathered hair, back-and-forth on bangs, cutie in curls, the perfectionist bob, crazy styles with clips, and endeavoring to look more youthful with longer hair. The styles have changed, but enjoying my hair has never wavered for me.
Needless to say, it was a big deal when over this past Thanksgiving weekend I took a pair of scissors to shorten my own hair (I only did the first few cuts, and I left the rest to my mom and friend Emily). Then - gasp! - I put a pink streak in the blonde locks. I mean, it is hair that's on the verge of falling from my head. And, since we never fight alone, some family members and friends near and far did the same to show support.
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| Pink hair, 'cause we care! Check out my crew of supporters with their streaks. Clockwise from top left - sister Dee, me, bestie Sacha, cousins Eileen and Daniel, Aunt Nancy and cousin Adam, sister Jeanine, and Mom. We invite you to go pink with us, and send me your pic! |
I am nervous, obviously. I expect hair loss will be traumatic for me. I suspect the tears will flow fairly easily during this whole process. My greatest hope is that my propensity for laughter will be readily accessible, too. To ease the pain, I'm picking out a wig on Wednesday, and my hat collection is on its way to being totally epic.
Paradoxically, my hair is part of me AND it's just hair. From what I've heard and read, my hair will start to fall out in large clumps. As in, I'll wake up finding wads of hair on my pillow, rinse balls of hair from my head while shampooing, and get bald patches in a matter of days. I'd guess - if I let it go naturally - the whole head will be shiny and pink within a week of the drop beginning.
Once the clumps become too much for me to bear, I plan to have Sean shave my head. At least then the falling bits will be stubble or something. The oncologist said I'd "feel it" when the hair starts to loosen; of course, now I'm hypersensitive about every itch or tingle. Oh, and P.S., the hair loss isn't limited to the hair on my head... think eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hair, etc. Upside? I shouldn't need to shave my legs for some time!
We've established that I love my hair, and hair loss is inevitable. Seems to me we should celebrate what is and worry about my future life as a Chia Pet later! In honor of how good my hair has been to me over the years, here are my Top 3 Hairstyles of All Time:
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| My three favorite hairstyles EVER! |
Hey..., friends? Thanks for going through this with me. It's easy and fun to be flip, even more so for me if I add "intellectualizing" into the mix. But, it would be hard to travel this road alone. I appreciate your company. But, bring a hat. We might get chilly.
2 comments:
Hardest for me was the hair. VERY self conscious in the beginning. People can pooh-pooh, it's just hair. But it is part of our identity and how we view how we appear to the world. It is a big deal.
My hair came out in fistfulls. I'd lean down and Daniel would run his hands through my hair and come out with handfuls. We'd take them outside and leave for the birds.
I had the wig for Dee's wedding, but after that I rarely wore it. I didn't care any more, it was almost like a sign I was beating this horrible disease. It was also supremely itchy. 😉
When it started growing back, i was so impatient. I wanted it back the way it was before the chemo. Not to be. What you see in the pic is 17 months after my last chemo cocktail. With only 2 very little trims in that time.
Hang in there Marybeth. All will be good and try on different wigs. You may find a different look. Now is the time to experiment. 💖🤔
Love always
This sounds really hard, Marybeth. You are a courageous woman. I'm glad you're sharing your feelings with us. Keep eating that elephant. You can do it.
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