My Real World

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence
but it comes from within. It is there all the time."
- Anna Freud

It's been a month now since I came to the Baltimore-D.C. corridor (a.k.a. the greater Washington, D.C. metropolitan area or our nation's capital). And, things are starting to feel real.

This past week, I had my first true visitor from the Midwest - which I define as a person who is not my parents and has not also relocated to the area - when my friend Kit came through town. I tried to show him around the area without getting lost. We traveled up to Baltimore for a night with my cousins at the Wharf Rat's trivia. I took him around campus a bit, and he was able to see my new place in Laurel. Of course, I have very little furniture in my apartment (and even less food in the fridge!), boxes are still stacked in corners, and cardboard is waiting to be hauled out behind the building to recycling. But, I was proud of my little place. In my mind's eye, I can envision it with books lining yet-to-be-purchased shelves, clothes neatly tucked away in dressers I don't own, and photos or framed art (you know how I love my quotes) adorning the bare walls. I live here, and I like it... well, sort of.

This weekend, things felt real when I found a hair salon, a dry cleaner, and a tanning place. There is a small comfort to walking into a place for the first time and just knowing you'll be back. Especially to pick up the dry cleaning :)

But, it also feels real to be worried about the statistics exam I'll take later today. And, it was a true study group that I participated in on Saturday with a few folks from class with whom I'm trying to develop friendships. Connections to people, those are real. So, talking with Julie about our field of study and how we can impact students was wonderful. As well, hanging out - after the studying - with Noah to discuss Robert Penn Warren's literature, Beat poetry (is Bukowski a Beat? This is an excellent debate in which to engage), and theories of moral development - was refreshing and a connection to a previous life of mine, too, when I was truly a reader and critical thinker.

And it's all too real when I endlessly shop for the perfect desk, bedroom set, gifts, clothes, etc. but come away empty handed. When I come home to the vacuous space, knowing I'll have to go back out later.

I am trying to recollect realities in a positive way, in spite of the challenges. You see, while I will continue to adjust and enjoy my new surroundings, I do miss what used to be my life. I don't have a coffee shop. I have school and work friends, but not many people to spend time with beyond those or related settings. I stayed home and read an old favorite book, in its entirety, on my Friday night. Danny and I have been to IHOP several times - a corporate place lacking in personality (but having very nice servers). And, I cried when I felt alone in the darkness of my apartment, with the sparseness of it all.

For better or for worse, this is my current situation. I feel like it's a promising start, as long as I am able to motivate myself to keep moving forward, finding small successes within myself. And, to be patient. It seems that - like the ever-cited Rome - this "real" life of mine will not be built as quickly as I would like.