No, really, what's taking the Zone's place?

"There is simply no place, no location or situation, that cannot be used to wake up to and live all of what and who you are, if you are willing to show up, to be present in the only place you ever have access to: here."
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Do you ever find that you want more than you have? No matter where you are and what you're doing, there is always something just beyond your reach. Well, that's where I seem to be right now.

When I step back and look at my life, I'm eternally grateful for the many things going my way... good friends, educational opportunities, a loving family, support, safety and comfort. So, why is it never enough?

I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be "great" or "successful" in as many aspects of my life as I can be. So, I'm behind in coursework and assistantship projects, I'm not making as many new friends as I'd like to, I'm re-learning (occasionally the hard way) what it means to be dating someone, and I often fail to make it to the gym when I need to. What about it?

I seem to forget - conveniently enough - about the many accomplishments I've had in the last year and a half. I wrote a list for myself, on the eve of 2006 (okay, not exactly that night, but right around there), of 40 things I had done during 2005 which made me proud to be Marybeth. And, I followed that list with another 40 things I hoped to do this year. And, to date, I have made it through a good portion of the goals. Including quitting smoking yet again...

People here don't know a lot of these things about me. I've integrated into my life the qualities I had to muster to hike the canyon, walk the 3-Day, take the GRE, select a PhD program, and just grow myself on the whole as a person. The landmarks of my recent past are parts of my identity now, somewhat indistinguishable from one another. And, I recognize I have regressed a bit as I have adjusted to the new life I'm leading here in Maryland.

Danny said something to me over a year ago about being content. He said (I'm paraphrasing here) that being happy essentially requires one to want to be happy. It's an attitude... a state of mind and not anything another person or an experience can produce for you. Seems obvious, doesn't it?

Before leaving Columbia, I think I was mastering the art of making my own happiness. I drove around aimlessly singing Catie Curtis or Dar Williams or whomever was on my newest mix CD at the top of my lungs. I walked a mile or more once in a while to stand alongside the horses at Stephens College (and, I drove by the site nearly every day). I picked great literary works or at least a New Yorker magazine to bring to the Coffee Zone for reading while I munched - often content to be alone - on the best hummus EVER. I sang in an awesome choir with amazing people who cared deeply for me. I had an incline trainer at the gym that called to me at least 4 times a week, and I didn't care how sweaty I got before trekking over to get coffee. I struggled through a few simple songs on the guitar with my kooky teacher Greg or Joey or Kit. I hung out with my fantastic staff members, listened to my iPod, wrote poetry, journaled, argued with Alex (y'all remember my hyper-liberal friend Alex from the Zone? If you see him, say hello for me) or just sat with my colleagues and friends over a 16-ounce cup of Vanilla Cream.

I awakened in the wee hours of this morning with a piercing sadness. As I look down the the long end of a homework-filled Sunday, I miss my old life. That's not to say I don't appreciate what I have now... just that I don't have some things here that helped me be the balanced, centered woman I occasionally was in CoMo. In my sleepy head, I envisioned Cramer Hall, and I could see the faces of the many folks I miss peering at me; I remembered all that was. My apartment, my Pershing, my office, my staff, my students, my Sacha and Andrew and John and Jennifer and so many others, my bike rides, my long walks, my RAP office - my life of not so long ago. I think I appreciated it then, but looking back from here I have to admit it's one of the best views ever.

The lesson - since you know I have to learn something from these moments - seems to be that I can seek out some of those things here. Life's too short to not make time for fun! Maybe that means going to church; or driving a ways to a coffee shop; or inviting someone new to hang out; or just setting the stress and homework aside long enough to pick up the journal, the poems, the GUITAR, or a work of fiction I can read without having it assigned to me. More likely, though, I just need to stop worrying about why I am not the perfect student, sister, girlfriend, graduate assistant, friend, daughter, or whatever and simply BE. It's time to recapture the security and sense of self that makes me happy with my existence as a wonderfully flawed individual. I don't know what my future holds. I don't really control what others think or feel or want or need. But, Danny's right (please, don't tell him I said that), I do control my own happiness. And, I can work with what what I've got - since although I left a lot behind, I didn't leave the essence of me in Columbia. :)