Reflecting aloud

"Be a good girl. You gotta try a little harder.
That simply wasn't good enough to make us proud."
- Alanis Morisette

Tomorrow, my comps will have begun. What a long, strange trip it's been... If someone had told me that I'd be in my current circumstances three years ago, I would not have been able to envision it.

When I began this doctoral program, my life was in a complete state of upheaval. Moving so far from all the places I had ever called home was frightening. I was anything but truly open to all the learning - from textbooks or from "real" life - that I was about to do. People have come and gone, and this campus, house, and district are my home. Sometimes, I can sit atop my world, survey it, and see all I have gained.

I've created a new life. Many of the old characters have remained and even more have entered. I've found and lost love. I've made lifelong friends. I've succeeded at at lot, and I have failed at a few things, too.

Writing as a personal means of chronicling and making meaning of my journey has taken a backseat to writing for the academy. I have grown immensely and gained new self-understanding in classrooms, through friendships, in relationships, and through therapeutic settings. Twists and turns in my story have forced me to grow up, feel pain, and experience joy.

I've spent less time alone in reflection, which sometimes feels like I have regressed. But the people in my life are the right ones at this time. Still, I wish I had trusted myself more and believed in my own worthiness...

As I think about my comprehensive exams, I know I have truly developed new capabilities and amassed new knowledge. I want to maintain perspective through this process. I "know" a lot, and I have the skills and resources I need to put forth my best effort. I'm not overconfident, but I am optimistic.

Breathe. Feel the peace at my center. Know and trust in what is larger that this task, this life. Believe in my strengths. Remember the little things.

Be myself.

"A waltz when she walks in the room. She pulls back the hair from her face.
She turns to the window, to sway in the moonlight. Even her shadow has grace...
A waltz for the chance I should take. But, how will I know where to start?
She's spinning between constellations and dreams. The rhythm is my beating heart."
- Josh Groban