More than just "settling"

"Do what you can with what you have where you are."
- Theodore Roosevelt

There is a tenuous equilibrium associated with the stage of settling in to a new place at which I have finally arrived. As you may have noticed, I've been blogging less and less. It's not that I don't want to share my life with people. Rather, I am taking time to live my life here. The day I bought bookshelves was somewhat significant... a sense of permanence. Rearranging all the new furniture helped me feel more like I can be myself here. I can now look around my apartment and feel like it's lived in... a feeling of comfort. Getting cable the other day was a good thing, too... a distraction. And, finishing class #1, the first stats course out of four I will take, certainly seems to be a corner turned.. being successful. On the whole, accomplishing things, one step at a time, is making the transition feel less alien.

Am I making sense yet? What I mean is that while I do not feel completely comfortable and balanced in this new life, I strangely feel at home here. My social calendar is filling up, and I'm spending time with a range of people from work and classes and my cohort and my cousins' lives. It's less and less about finding my way around places (not that I have or will ever master that!), and more about finding my way around people.

I do feel like I may occasionally be trying too hard. I'm not intentionally being inauthentic so much as I struggle to convey my true self in the sound bytes that inevitably comprise getting to know new people. I mean, it's not like I can just sit someone down and say, "hey, listen to my whole life story" (or vice versa). So people hear pieces here and there. I have a tendency to tell good stories - adding appropriate emphasis and playing it up for shock value - but, those things are such disjointed bits a greater whole. I have difficulty accepting that no one here really understands what my life in CoMo was like. And, damn it, but I cannot adequately paint the proverbial picture. The great disadvantage to starting over is that you really have to be confident in who you are and be able to communicate that through words and actions. I haven't mastered it, yet. In the past few weeks - since my return from Sacha's wedding - I have tried to build bridges with folks from my cohort and classes. I've been social. I've put my introverted self out there in ways my extrovert friends would take pride in. It's exhausting.

In a lot of ways, that's why I am grateful for Danny and his presence here. I was certainly blessed to have a good friend move out this way at the same time as me. When I lose sight of myself - lost in the confusion of my own identity - I have a person who can provide context. And, consistency when everything else has changed. We went exploring last night in Old Town Alexandria, VA (not sure I will easily get over how close everything is!), and it was truly fantastic to share a mini-adventure. It's just nice to be known.

This coming week marks the beginning of the fall semester. I was telling Julie and Noah that I enjoy discussion classes so much. I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with my pseudo-intellectual self, the one that emerges in the classroom. And, thus, I can look forward to embarking on yet another new adventure. At this rate, it appears I may never simply "settle."