Do you ever feel like you're living in some alternate universe? One over which you have even less control than the real world? That's been the pervasive theme of the past week for me.
I'll spare many of the details (one never knows who reads the blog), but it included talking to and seeing several people from different points in my life in unexpected ways and places. Sometimes, it feels helpful and healing to interact with people who have fallen away from your daily life. For me, there's a certain closure and satisfaction to knowing I can handle my past. In other circumstances, those fleeting moments of shared space are painful, shocking, and exciting. Emotions swirl and wounds are re-opened, causing me to reexamine the ways I've coped, avoided, and moved on.
I have not always been as open of a person as I've become in recent years - and there are many people from whom I've acquired battle scars. My heart has been broken, sense of trust decimated, and belief in self called into question by friends and partners alike. I burrow deep into my psyche when hurt by others, over-analyzing every move or word, in order to comfort myself. Journals, books, and music become constant companions, as I move fluidly through as many "emo" moments as possible. I seek to remake myself into the woman I wish to be, instead of one harboring self-loathing, doubt, anger, and blame. The passage of time does help, but only if I am in touch with myself.
When I am successful, it is because I've been able to set aside the other person's perspective - not disregard it - and recapture the things about myself that make me who I am. And, yes, that means feeling fully and deeply the emotions associated with the encounters I have had of late. I cannot alleviate suffering unless I acknowledge it. It does not feel good to hurt, but it feels worse to ignore.
So, this is what I am trying to do today. In one instance, the interaction has resulted in feeling really good. I can see that I've reached a point of clarity and acceptance; I've achieved forgiveness, understanding, and appreciation for all I've experienced. Unfortunately, the feelings in another are still raw. As much as I want to feel peace, it cannot be foisted upon me by others or coincidence.
Of course, it sure would be nice to have control over a bit more of this alien universe. But, until then, this little zone is all I've got.
1 comment:
You can never understand anyone else until you understand yourself. It sounds cheesy and cliche, but I have learned, as have so many others that it is the absolute truth. If you are not comfortable with who you are and what you stand for - whatever that is - then you can not possibly begin to understand anyone one else's point of view - hence the feeling of the Twilight Land you seem to have been in.
Aside from that, you have made a point to be open to the circumstances and therefore the results of any confrontation with closure you come upon. This is an open doorway for energy to flow in your direction> maybe while you are processing these added vibes that have come into your world - your Inner Universe is communicating even more clearly with the Outer Universe and thus the feeling of an alternate time.. or a connection with one.
Does this make sense? I speak from experience. Looking forward to to your next post. See ya then. Stop by sometime!
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